What has seemed a miserable week is turning into one of the best Beltane's ever. I've been in upstate NY for 6 weeks now immersed in family matters. An uncle died. I felt called to help clear out his house and pick up the void left by his demise in visiting my Aunt at the nursing home. So devoted, he visited or called her daily for several years now. He'd taken care of her at home until the Alzheimers left her falling down. She sits. Once in a while she attempts to talk. It's thankless "work" visiting her. I never know whether I am boring her, tormenting her, entertaining her, or what when I visit her and read to her, tell her of "my news", and feed her her juice.
I always thought of Garrattsville as my home. Now that I'm getting the chance to live here, I'm realizing the dream I always had of living here is better left a dream. It's beautiful. It's quiet. But socially I am isolated. I have some great relatives around. But they lead different lives around here from the faggot shaman live that I lead. I eat vegetable stir fries while they eat chips, cold cuts, white bread and pop Nexium and anti-cholesterol pills. Don't get me wrong, I love my relatives dearly and we have shared good times together, but overall we lead very different lives and have different interests.
I've met five local guys online that I intrigued me some. One wasn't interested. Another one showed a little interest, but then started seeing someone. One disappeared from the chat-room after the night we met. One said he was interested but turned out to be a total flake. The other one seems only interested late at night, when I'm not about to drive 30 minutes to investigate. My love live has fallen into cam2cam connections on the Internet. Better than nothing. And actually many lessons in feeling energy via distance... great practice for us subtle energy workers!
So I've been getting the blues. It doesn't help that gas prices have gone up and I burn nearly a tank a week going to visit my Aunt. My "assetts" have dropped under $1000. I'm trying to remember the reality that the Universe provides abundantly and unconditionally. I'm not sure what to do. My sense is I am to stay here into the summer to help wrap up the "estate" here and visit my Aunt.
I saw two woodchucks Sunday. Sunday night one of my c2c buddies in Mexico mentioned an interest in astral travel. So I suggested he visit me that night. The next day I read what kind of power animal a woodchuck is, and it's about dreams and astral travel!
The last two days I've been praying for change... to get back into the mystical power place I'd been in more regularly a couple years ago. This morning, Beltane Eve, I stumbled online as is my habit. I've been for weeks trying to come up with a name to use on Xtube to sell some videos I've been making on my webcam. I've been frustrated, because that's my most likely hope for any logical income, yet I haven't been able to get myself to make a name and get online with my videos.
This morning brought a new light on the matter as I started to write my xtube bio. I've been ruminating on something like Cosmic Orgasm based on my Mayan astrology sign of Yellow Cosmic Sun. I looked up my Mayan astrological sign for some inspiration. The last line of my "reading" was "I am a galactic activation portal enter me." I burst out laughing. Finally it was all making sense. My vision wasn't clear about what the purpose of my videos would be... and what my story about my sex would be. The healing aspect was missing. Now my endeavors could move forward because I had clarity about how I want to be as a sexual being.
Still reeling from the excitement and laughter, I noticed one of my most powerful lovers pop up on the messenger list. I hadn't seen him for several years because our orbits around this Earth hadn't aligned. We'd tried to chat months ago, but a faulty Internet connection left us hanging. I'd noticed he was online the last days. And for some reason, I clicked on his name and said "Happy Beltaine!"
He soon let out that he had just found out he was HIV positive yesterday, and I was the first radical faerie he had told. We were both honored to share this powerful moment together. I immediately assured him of my belief that he could BE the pattern of HIV negative... that he could heal himself of this Western Medicine reality. We continued chatting and discovered that we've both been going through feelings of isolation and wondering why we are not amongst supportive communities of like minded folks. Were we cast out to cross pollinate and share our magic in the world? Were we cast out to learn something? Were we cast out because we didn't really allow ourselves to receive the nurturing we desired? Funny, I'd been down on myself so much lately, it hadn't dawned on me others were working through similar frustrations. We ended up sharing a wonderful online orgasm together. Interesting in that I tried to orgasm for him on cam, but I wasn't actually able to orgasm until he did. Another example of feeling energy through space... something that I've been learning a lot about in my c2c experiences.
I thought back to nine years ago when fate brought me into the life of a man recently diagnosed with HIV. At the time I had thought the attraction between us was about being soulmates. I later realized the attraction between us was Unconditional Love and about me giving him the gift of reclaiming sex into his life, and him giving me the gift of learning how to be a healer.
I knew that today's shared orgasm was powerful. Orgasms are great catalysts of healing and change. And I knew that this man and I had powerful connections. It was no small coincidence that we connected together today and created some online faerie space for Beltane together. We parted from our online intimacy in gratitude.
I was high as a kite from the experience. Great shifts were happening. I drove over the hills to see my Aunt. Visions and ley lines floated through my awareness. I sang, I chanted, I spoke in tongues. The Universe was shifting. I prayed for my friend... that I/he/we shift to the reality of his health on all levels; I prayed for all my friends; all my relations; everyone! After all, why discriminate?
As I drove through the colorful spring landscape of trees budding pastel colors, I felt on top of the world on these rolling hills. My Aunt had white stuff all over her lips. I wondered if our realities had crossed, but it turned out it was Milk of Magnesia.
I went to the local health food store to get a few things, though my sparse wallet made me consider fasting. When I went to check out, I was behind the hottest tattooed/pierced man... hotter than anyone I'd seen around these parts. The cashier pulled me from my reverie and said, "It's your lucky day!" She handed me a free canvas shopping bag and told me that my groceries (all bulk items) were free! (the scale was being serviced). I walked out in gratitude and amazement!
On the way home I came upon a horse in the middle of the road. Horses are about "freedom and travel"... and considering whether you are assisting the community you are in and also honoring the gifts of that community. Perfect timing. Just like the woodchuck's I saw when my friend in Mexico started practicing astral travel and dream visits to me... things the woodchuck is about.
I made my way home and cooked up my stir fry and ate in front of the TV enjoying Elton John's 60th birthday!
What an amazing Beltane! and it's only Beltane Eve!!!!
