Friday, May 22, 2009

Waking Up and Not Knowing

Today I woke up around 5am, not at all my usual time of late. Buzzing on all levels. My mind raced with insights, visions, inspirations: creating a magic Reiki chair for a local healing collective, traveling the world doing a Reiki/empowerment darshan; new forms of attunements and group healings; new websites; new teachings... My body buzzed with energy and I realized I had been making love with a huge crystal charged with the Bethlehem Grid and gifted to me by a dear friend and colleague. I remembered dreaming and visioning and rolling around with the crystal under my pillow, in my hand, on my body for what seemed like hours.

Then I remembered last night. I had gone to a wonderful meditation class with Michael at Beyond Spa. Meditation had gone well for me, much easier than the first class several months ago. As I write this I remember worrying about how it would go for me as I rushed to class last night, my mind racing with fears of scarcity and the quandries and decisions of website development along with ideas and brainstorms for said websites. More importantly I remember setting the intention to do well at the meditation class. In hindsight, it worked! The meditations went very well for me and I felt calm, collected, and aligned while I did each exercise. After we finished our meditations, we chatted and enjoyed a few slices of cinnamon dusted apples, and water. My mind started to think again as it is too apt to do, and I wondered what of the meditation would stick.

I walked out the door and down the street for a block with a friend before we parted ways. And then I spontaneously found myself running with joy to a fundraising event for The Grateful Mind & Body Health Collective. The event was amazing. I arrived as they were calling in the directions, and I could tangible feel the great power of their magic. I connected with a dear friend and enjoyed the evening, especially seeing the gifted Jason Mraz, whom radiates angelic connection to me. I knew I found the tribe I'd been seeking as I felt my powers of shapeshifting energy come into my consciousness. Powers I've felt before, but not so much lately. Knowing that I could watch these people transform themselves in front of my eyes if I offered my Reiki and energywork choreography to them. It was a powerful night. I felt excited to be alive again.

And so this morning as I enjoyed waking up and realizing how potent my dreams had been as I "slept". Waking up in the "ambrosia hours" of the predawn which are said to be so good for meditation and spiritual connection. Remembering other powerful times when I spontaneously woke up in all my magic in the Ambrosia Hours. I thought to myself, "wow, I guess the meditation class was really powerful for me last night... look what it did... I feel like a new person!". Then I thought, perhaps it was the rituals and magic at the fundraiser? Then I remembered how the past week I'd been working on my own charged website images, and feeling them. And I also discovered the Virtual Baba and Baba Institute, finding their charged websites very powerful. And then there was the Kundalini Yoga Class by Bhagvati Kaur last week. And last night I ran into a spiritual friend of mine who said he prayed for me daily. And I also remembered how I'd been setting intentions for myself all along lately to regain my magic, to be in the tantric state, to realign my practices/life/business.

And so, I don't really know which of these things is responsible for my fabulous state of being this morning. Perhaps all of them. Perhaps some of them. Perhaps one of them. Perhaps none of them. What do I want to believe, I suppose will be the "answer" if there needs to be one. I will likely write the Meditation Teacher, and talk to the others and thank them when I see them.

I often think things work like this. I mean when I do Reiki for someone and six months later see they have changed the way they intended during their Reiki session, I think..."see the Reiki worked". Sometimes it's instantaneous. Sometimes it's a part of a bigger process... in fact really it always is. To me the driving force is the client's intention, along with my intention to manifest people that experience amazing transformations through Reiki. And yet, the important thing is the change. Perhaps to manifest their intended lover, they have to change their job and move. Perhaps, to heal their cancer they have to change their diet and career. We don't always know when we ask for change what that will feel like in the multidimensional grid that defines our way of Being in a moment.


And this morning as I soaked in the hot tub, I thought of another way of not knowing that I have discovered in myself... a way of not knowing that challenges me. And that is the not knowing we find when we try to give up our identity.

For several years, I have tried to just BE ... do what I Will, knowing, trusting the Universe to provide. Follow my heart... follow my passions... follow my intuition... listening, being present... and seeing how that takes me about the world as I work on my higher/broader intentions. I try to refrain from identifying as a Reiki Teacher/practitioner, or escort, or rock climber, or .... any of the other numerous things that I like to do... so that I can listen and Be in the moment. I try to let money come out of the sky rather than having to work for it in a particular way. Not that I am opposed to working for it. Just that I think it would be nice to listen in each moment to see what I am called to do, regardless of thoughts of money, support, and other "logical" restraints. To be able to Listen to see if I am called to walk down this street or that, to see if I am called to teach a particular person Reiki, to see if I am called to climb a particular rock, to see if I am called to be intimate with a particular person.

The challenge here, or one of them, is that I can't, or choose not rely on the pigeon holes that we try to put ourselves in. I try to leave space for making money not by doing Reiki. I try to leave space for not doing Reiki. I try to leave space for myself to do whatever I want or am called to do on a particular day. Obviously you can tell from how I write this, my intention... my reality is not clear... do I do what I want? do I do what I Will? do I follow my heart? do I follow my intuition? what if my intuition calls me to do something I don't think I want to do? That's a good one... one that has caught me more than a few times the past few years. There is no right and wrong, as I could define my reality however I choose. I try to remember to Be the reality that I do what I want (meaning what's in my heart), unless I don't know what I want to do, in which case I follow my intuition. And I tap into my ituition by following what glows. For instance a few years ago on the Big Island of Hawaii, it neared my planned departure date. But I was having a great time, and wondered if I really wanted to leave. I checked in, and found that I "felt" like it was time to go. Part of it is allowing ourselves to be Unconditional Loving wherever we are, and then going from one magical place to another... rather than creating dramas. At any rate, I left the Big Island, thankful for what I'd done there, knowing I could return, grieving briefly for the momentary transition, and embracing the next stop in Trust.

Lately my intuition has called me repeatedly to Ladakh, India. I don't know why. And sometimes I fight with my intuition. I mean India is no San Francisco. And for the queer guy that I am, San Francisco is one of the few places I feel that I fit in beyond the petty judgments of others. In India, I rarely feel like I fit in or am at home in that sense. Not that I don't feel at home wherever I am, but that well... there are a lot of levels to that. And it takes a lot of something to spend months in a culture where you never really know what is going on... where you are outside of most all of your own cultural norms.

Back to not knowing now. What I wanted to get at is that I find myself pondering every option because I don't try to maintain an identity. A few days ago I met a guy looking for people to work on a project manufacturing jet fuel from algae. It's exciting. Suddenly I found myself pondering staying in San Francisco to work on the project. Last night, I found myself pondering staying in San Francisco to work with the new healing collective. The meditation teacher talked of his experiences teaching monks English in Laos, and I pondered whether I might teach English to monks. Now if I were adamant in pigeon holing myself, like most of us are, I would have my identity as a Reiki Teacher, and just stick with that, and have blinders up to all the other opportunities. But because I am not attached to a particular livelyhood, I am constantly trying to figure out what the option/opportunity is for me in the moment.

The answer lays in feelings and meditation. To get myself so grounded in my awareness and knowingness. It reminds me of several years ago at the White Tantric Solstice Retreat in Florida, a teacher said he learned to find guidance when he was in a "high meditative/spiritual state"... then stick to whatever that guidance was until he was in another similar state of being that produced a different direction. That was his method for overcoming the petty fears, attachments, and distractions of the mind. That way, he would act out of trust and spiritual guidance, rather than acting out of fear. That's why we try to bring the meditative state into our "mundane" lives rather than isolating ourselves in caves forever.

This morning I realize, that the most excited I feel is when I get "amped up" into going to Ladakh once again this summer. I don't know why I feel called to go there. Certainly I like mountains and trekking, but there are easier places for that. Certainly, it's not the easiest place to go. And yet, the vibration for that idea of going there is much higher and more exciting than when I ponder the numerous other options that come across my path. And the road I shall try to walk is to head in that direction, yet always stopping to listen... Listen for redirection. Sometimes our Spirit baits us to get us prepared for something else. Sometimes the Universe changes. Perhaps I head to Ladakh to get "sidetracked" into some true calling when I pass through Bangkok.

Ahh... the fun of not knowing!!!

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